


be your own illuminary

by owlsii



Series: be your own illuminary [1]
Category: Mary Poppins (1964), Mary Poppins - All Media Types, Mary Poppins Returns (2018)
Genre: Autistic Jack, Bisexual Bert, Crush at First Sight, M/M, Magic, Pre-Canon, Trans Jack, a little internalized homo+transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 11:14:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16809508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlsii/pseuds/owlsii
Summary: Jack realizes he's gay, so Bert helps his apprentice out with a crush.





	be your own illuminary

**Author's Note:**

> i'm pretty sure this is the first mary poppins returns fic!!! the movie isn't even out yet so that's fair
> 
> gay trans autistic jack, hell yeah! am i projecting a tiny bit? perhaps.
> 
> i heard in an interview that jack isn't magical so i wrote this fic out of spite. enjoy!
> 
> (note added later: as of march 9 2019 i've made a few minor edits to match my backstory for jack, because when i wrote this the movie wasn't even out and i hadn't thought it up yet lol. other than that, nothing's been changed!)

Jack was twelve when he first realized.

He was on his way to the park, not really paying attention to where he was going. Someone’s shoulder collided with his, and he nearly fell over.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” the boy said, steadying Jack by resting a hand on his shoulder. Jack stared at him. He had brown eyes, dark hair, and he was slightly taller than Jack. The boy smiled and Jack’s heart nearly burst. “I’m Samuel.”

“Uh, my name’s Jack,” he stuttered, face blooming red. “Sorry for bumping into you.”

“No, that’s my fault! I’m so clumsy.” Samuel realized that his hand was still resting on Jack’s shoulder and hurriedly shoved it into his pocket. “Um. I’ve gotta go.”

“Okay,” Jack said, not really paying attention to anything except the way Samuel’s eyes sparkled in the sunlight.

“See you later, Jack!” Samuel waved, and then ran off. Jack watched him turn the corner, touching the spot where Samuel rested a hand on his shoulder.

“He said my name,” Jack whispered.

~

“Bert?” Jack asked. It was just past midnight, and there wasn’t anyone else walking through the streets. Bert looked down at him, a lamplighter’s pole in one hand. “Can I tell you something? It’s a secret.”

“Of course, Jackie!” Bert replied. “What’s on your mind?”

Jack opened his mouth to speak, but didn’t know how to say it. He stopped walking. Bert’s eyebrows furrowed and he got on one knee to see his apprentice’s face. Jack lowered his head so his cap blocked the view.

“Is this about your...” Bert trailed off. “I can make you another one, if you like.”

“No, it works just fine,” Jack said. He fiddled with his shirt and thought of the piece of tight fabric underneath, binding his chest. “This is something else.”

He took a deep breath. Bert would be okay with this, right? After all, he was okay with the... other thing.

“I met another boy a few days ago,” he said. “And, uh, I thought he was... I thought he was cute. And he was talking and he said my name and I got really happy and it felt like I wanted to kiss him and—”

It was then that Jack realized he was crying, tears flowing down his cheeks. Bert opened his arms and he fell into them, clinging to his mentor like his life depended on it.

“C’mon! This ain’t anything to be crying over,” Bert said, trying to sound cheery. “It’s normal to get crushes when you’re a kid.”

“Not when it’s a crush on another boy,” Jack muttered into Bert’s shoulder. He hiccuped. Then his grip on Bert tightened. “D-Does this mean... I’m wrong? I’m not really a boy?”

“Oh, Jackie, don’t say that!” Bert let go of their hug so he could look Jack right in the eyes. “You like bein’ called Jack, right?” He nodded. “And you think it’s sweet when those old ladies at the park call you a gentleman?” He nodded again. “And you like wearing boys’ clothes and being a boy?”

“Yeah,” Jack whispered. He rubbed the end of his shirt sleeve.

“There’s your answer, then!” Bert said happily.

“But—”

“No ‘buts!’ You’re the finest young man I’ve ever met, and that’s including myself.” Bert grinned proudly. “Just ‘cause you like some other boy doesn’t change that. And, if I’m being honest? I’ve had some crushes on boys, myself.”

“Really?” Jack asked, eyes wide. Bert nodded.

“But my old man would never let that happen,” he said bitterly, glancing away as he frowned. But it disappeared instantly, and he handed Jack the lamplighter’s pole. “Let’s get to work, kid! It’s still dark, and these lamps don’t light themselves.”

~

Jack tossed a tiny flower seed between his hands. He didn’t want to mess this up. He walked down Cherry Tree Lane, occasionally glancing around the empty street. There was no sign of Samuel. It was getting dark, and none of the street lamps were lit yet. After he’d confessed that morning, Bert had tried to help him.

_“Now, when you see him, clench your fist really tight, like this.” Bert wrapped his hand around the seed and flowers grew out of his fist, blue and pink and purple roses spilling from the palm of his hand. “Imagine what sorta flowers he likes and bam! They’ll grow for you.”_

_“What if I mess up and I think of the wrong flower? Or I don’t think of anything at all and nothing happens? Bert, what if he doesn’t even like me back?” Jack asked, anxiety clear in his voice as his thoughts spiraled. He stared at the seed in his hands. “I can’t do magic!”_

_“Of course you can!” Bert laughed, ruffling his hair. “I tend to overcomplicate these things. It’ll happen, don’t you worry. You got this, Jackie.”_

He shuffled his feet. It was almost completely dark, and Samuel still wasn't there. Maybe he went home early. Or maybe Jack was wrong this whole time, and he didn’t even live on Cherry Tree Lane.

“Jack?”

He turned around and there he was. Samuel, his face perfectly lit by the nearly-set sun.

“Samuel!” he exclaimed, face already turning red. He took a small step forward. “I want to, uh, give you something.”

Jack wrapped his hands around the seed, thinking of roses and daisies and daffodils. They were going to be blue, because that was probably Samuel’s favorite color. They’d bloom right out of his hand and he’d give them to Samuel, and...

Nothing happened. No flowers appeared. Jack’s heartbeat quickened and he felt tears burning behind his eyes. _Oh no there were supposed to be flowers now Samuel thinks I’m an idiot, why did I ever think I could do magic, he doesn’t even like me back, it doesn’t matter that he looks so nice with his messy hair and warm eyes and pretty voice and—_

“Woah...” Samuel whispered, his brown eyes sparkling with yellow as he stared at something behind Jack. “...Jack?”

“What?” He turned around.

The lamps.

They were lighting themselves.

He stared at them, his mind swirling with thoughts, as it always was. The lamps weren’t lighting themselves. _He_ was lighting them.

Because now he realized— He was a lamplighter. He was meant to be a lamplighter.

Jack felt a spark inside his chest. It turning in a blazing fire, spreading through his body until he couldn’t contain it anymore and his hands flapped excitedly. He started laughing and his entire body felt like it was floating.

“What’s so funny— Jack!” Samuel gasped.

Or maybe it was actually floating. He spun around in the air, his legs kicking with delight.

“I did it!” he exclaimed, eyes alight with joy. “I did it!”

“You did what?” Samuel tried to ask.

Jack didn’t answer. His feet touched the ground and he grabbed Samuel’s hand without warning. Then he ran, pulling a flustered Samuel behind him. They raced through the park, street lamps flickering to life as they passed. Someone was reaching a lamplighter’s pole up to one.

“Bert!” Jack called, skidding to a halt. Samuel crashed into him, unprepared for the sudden stop.

Bert looked over and smiled. He lowered the pole and walked over to the boys, both of whom were blushing furiously and completely out of breath.

“Nice to meet you, Samuel!” he greeted, tipping his hat. The boy’s eyes widened and he let go of Jack’s hand. He opened his mouth to explain, but Bert interrupted. “Aw, don’t worry about that. I don’t mind one bit. He’s my apprentice, you know.”

Samuel slowly reached for the other boy’s hand again. Jack blushed and every street lamp in the park started to glow. Samuel’s hand was impossibly warm. So was his smile.

“I told you it would happen, Jackie.” Bert grinned. He stared at his lamplighter’s pole for a moment, and then handed it to Jack. “Well, I won’t be needing this. I think I’ll be a one-man band tomorrow! I’m very good at rhymes. Maybe I’ll do some poetry!”

“Thank you, Bert. I’ll see you...” Jack said, smiling softly. He looked up to see Bert already walking away, a silhouette in the light of the street lamps. “...Later.”

“So when life is getting scary, be your own... illuminary!” he sang. “Who can shine a light for all the world to see! As you... trip a little light fantastic... with me! Huh, I guess I am good at this!”

Jack chuckled and turned to Samuel, who was staring at him with a blank look.

“I’m guessing you’re pretty confused,” Jack said. Samuel nodded slowly. “Uh...”

Jack reached into his pocket. He felt the flower seed there, still waiting. He pulled it out with a clenched fist.

“Oh!” Samuel exclaimed as a bouquet of blue roses bloomed out of Jack’s hand.

“I like you,” Jack admitted. “I like you a lot. You’re very pretty and I like your voice and there were multiple times today where I wanted to kiss you. Yeah. That’s it.”

Samuel didn’t say anything. Jack’s thoughts started spiraling again. _I was right he doesn’t like me after all this was just a huge mistake I should leave and oh no the flowers are wilting..._

The roses drooped and Jack turned away. Why did he ever think Samuel liked him back? This was just a waste of time.

“Wait!”

Samuel’s hand wrapped around Jack’s and the roses sprung to life again. Jack spun around and was met with Samuel’s face inches from his. Then suddenly Samuel was kissing his cheek and it was the best feeling Jack ever had and a nearby street lamp nearly exploded because the flame was burning so bright.

“I like you, too,” Samuel said, looking right into Jack’s eyes. They were brown, just like his. He stepped away and the bouquet was in his hands now. “I should be getting back home, but... Thanks for the flowers, Jack.”

And then he walked away, just another silhouette in the park. Jack pressed a hand to his cheek, right where Samuel had kissed it.

“He liked the flowers,” he whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> i love bert but i can't write him at all, i'm sorry,,,
> 
> while writing this i accidentally made a lil headcanon that jack got inspiration for "trip a little light fantastic" from bert. i think its cute. anyway
> 
> i hope you liked the fic! once the movie is actually released i'll be writing a lot more of this!!


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